Getting back up

Sweater - Monki (via ASOS)

Headscarf - Rock N Rose (via ASOS)

Earrings - Steve Madden (via ASOS)

For transparency's sake - I liked this photo that I posted over on my Instagram and wanted and excuse to post it here, too. That's why you're getting this short, inconsequential blog post.

This morning, after my morning alarm rang at 9am, I did what I always do - I checked social media. Bad habit, I know, and I'll be damned if I'll ever defeat it. Social media, whether naysayers like it or not, is my job, and after posting my sponsored YouTube video last night, I was eager to see what you guys were saying in the comments.

Now, as always, there was a wave of lovely, positive comments - some complimenting me, some complimenting my office, others joking about how I should make videos with my friend Dan again - all wonderful, nice to read, but I will admit something here that I fear may sound ridiculous:

After almost seven years of praise and compliments for what I create, sometimes... in fact, let's be real, most times... I tend to gloss over them. I don't know if this is down to a deeply-rooted sense of insecurity, but comments from people I don't know saying how nice I look, or how I've helped them... sometimes it's hard to let them in. Is it because I can't possibly imagine them to be true? Is it because accepting them as truth is acknowledging that I have a responsibility to far more people than I realise? Regardless of what it is, I do what many creators tend to do - I seek out negativity. Writing that down into this post is surreal. What a bizarre thing to possibly do! Why look for cruel comments?

Well, I'm not a psychologist, and I'm sure most of you are with me on that (unless you are a psychologist, in which case, that's awesome and the world needs you!) but whatever the reason, it doesn't matter - I found what I was looking for.

"She looks prego! [sic]"

There were a few more along these lines, but the fool in me quickly deleted them - I don't remember what they said word-for-word, but they were attacking my style choice of an oversized shirt, saying I'm 'piling on the pounds', that my legs were looking 'a bit too big' - don't get me wrong, it was only a handful. There was more talk about my figure online outside of the comments section, but quite honestly, fuck their noise. What hurt was the influx of comments on an office tour vlog that focused primarily on the fact that yes, I've gained weight recently. I began re-taking the contraceptive pill a couple of months ago. Poor mental health & moving house has meant takeaways, snacking on two (three, four...) bags of potato crisps before dinner, drinking a couple of ciders to relax with my partner... and I think the reason these comments irked me today more than any other day is because it felt as though the Internet was seeing what I've been trying to hide from myself - that I'm far from my healthiest self.

So with all that said, is it time for a crash diet? Time to bust out the yoga three times a day? Well, no. If and when I decide to alter my diet (which affects my body, and my health) I will only ever do it for me, and not because some anonymous commenters on the Internet have told me to. I immediately feel foolish for even beginning to justify any changes in my body shape in the previous paragraph. My body weight fluctuates and I know it will settle back down, and by making a huge post about it, I feel as though I've let the trolls win - no longer.

I'm going to live my life the way I want, work hard, and continue to kick life's ass to the point where I don't have time to sit down and conjure up nasty shit to say to people online. I snapped myself out of my funk by seeing my dad, filming two videos, tidying my house, posting the above photo on Instagram and now I'm off to listen to Ben Folds, edit those two videos and then cross off some more things on my to-do list. I'm going to remind myself that I'm living my best life, here and now, with a partner who loves my body the way it is, and remember that I'm far too much of a boss to lose a day of work to a couple of comments.

Labels: looks , personal